


What I Should Have Said

by loumymind



Series: Say Something [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Breakup Fic, Drunk Driving, Lots of Cursing, M/M, boys being unable to communicate, no one actually attempts suicide, this is a sequel, very brief mentions of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-23 00:19:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3748435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loumymind/pseuds/loumymind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry's been in love. It comes back to him in drunken flashbacks, despite the effort he puts in to keep them away. Flashbacks of a smaller hands, rougher lips. Harry's life has been stripped of color and excitement and of the only person he'd ever truly loved. And it's entirely his fault so he really can't be mad at anyone but himself. But he's mad at everyone. At stupid Cam for being the perfect boyfriend that Louis deserves, at Louis for moving on. Because if there's anything worse than having your heart broken, it's watching the one you let get away give up on you and find someone better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Should Have Said

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sequel to "Say Something" which I recommend you read before this one to understand what's going on.
> 
> It took me a year to write this sequel and I hope it was worth the wait. 
> 
> I own none of the characters, it's all fiction and implies nothing about the real lives of these people. Everything is a work of fiction, dream up by my angsty imagination. 
> 
> Enjoy :) tumblr is loumymind too.

" _Harry_?"

 

Hearing his own name caused him to freeze, back straightening a little at the sound of it. He really didn’t want to turn and meet eyes with the person standing behind him, afraid of what he would see there. He would rather continue to stare at the melting ice in his half empty drink, clinking against the frosty glass as he aimlessly stirred it. He recognized the voice with a chill to his spine. It’d be rude to ignore him, after all this time and everything they had been through together.

 

“Liam.” Harry smiled up weakly. He nudged the stool next to his, pushing it out with his foot as an invitation for Liam to sit next to him. He momentarily wondered if Liam would be able to pick up the traces of alcohol that clung to his breath. He hoped not, but the way his head was starting to spin, he assumed Liam would know. Isn’t that just a bit silly, that here Harry is, grown up and years later, still worrying about displeasing Liam. Maybe something’s really never change.

 

He’s not sure if the thought is comforting or makes him want to hurl.

 

It’s not like Harry hasn’t _seen_ Liam in the past six months - their photos are everywhere, splattered across internet gossip sites, stripping them from any sense of privacy. It’s not a surprise to him that Liam has started to let his hair grow out again, letting it slowly crawl it’s way down his forehead. His face is a bit rounder, the bottom half covered with a thick beard. It still managed to overwhelm him, the way Liam had grown up so quickly, completely abandoning any traces of the shy sixteen year old Harry had first met.

 

He may have seen pictures but this was the first time they’d actually been in each others company in just about six months. The last time had been at the tux fitting, for Harry’s bloody wedding. He smelled of the same strong but sweet cologne, clinging to the inside of Harry’s nostrils and giving him a nostalgic sense of _home_.

 

He wished more than anything he could go back to the days where the smell was comforting, and not a sick twisted reminder of everything he had lost.

 

“Been a while,” Liam finally murmured after the silence dragged on for a moment too long. He did so with a slight smile, searching Harry’s face at the same time. It made Harry want to bury himself into his folded arms and hide, or possibly have another drink.

 

"Yeah," Harry croaked. He then cleared his throat, looking around the room to distract himself. "How have you been?" He tried his best to make the question feel light and casual but the wavering in his voice betrayed him. If Liam picked up on it - Harry’s pretty sure he did - he didn’t mention it.

 

"Oh, I've been great," He smiled politely instead, pulling at some lint on his jacket sleeve. "Working on an album. Not quite the same, alone, though, is it? Feels more like work now, never felt like that with us."

 

Harry knew exactly what Liam meant. He probably couldn't even describe his own feelings better. It all felt like something he _should_ be doing, rather than something he loved doing. He just laughed lightly, it came out rather phony though. "Can't wait to hear it, Li."

 

Liam gave him a grateful look. "Thought you were in LA, still? Living there, I mean. Last I heard anyway."

 

Harry picked up his glass, watching the liquid slosh back and forth. "Oh yeah, no I've been back for a bit. Just got sick of it all. Missed home, I suppose." This felt too stiff and formal. Liam had been one of his best friends, for gods sake. His brother, basically. But Harry didn’t know how to be that anymore. It had been six months since he’d seen Liam - but it had been so much longer since Harry felt like they were all inseparable.

 

"I hear ya," Liam agreed with a chuckle. "London will always be home."

 

Harry nodded along, trying his best to turn the corners of his mouth upwards and not seem like such a depressing mess. Returning to London hadn’t give Harry the soul searching comfort and clarity he had originally hoped for. He still felt as lost as ever. Perhaps it was because home had never felt like a place to Harry, rather a person. His home was the warm feeling in his chest that he got when woke up next to that somebody. He hadn’t been home in a very, very long time.

 

“I’ve tried to get in touch, Harry. We all have, you know...” Liam told him and his voice dropped to a lower, more serious octave as his brows furrowed together.

 

Harry closed his eyes in return, not bothering to clarify who all was. He’s smart enough to know the list would end with one name too few for his liking. It’s not a big surprise, and he deserves it anyway.

 

Liam continued though gentler now, as if he had picked on Harry’s disappointment. “We weren’t going to pick sides, Haz, and you know that. You were - are - my best friend, too. I know what happened must have hurt-”

 

“Liam,” Harry tried to hiss, though it came out as more of a desperate plea. He was beginning to see stars, eyes still squeezed together tightly. “Don’t.”

 

“Sorry... I... Sorry.” Liam shifted around in his seat, frown forming on his lips. “Just saying, you never had to run away.”

 

 _I didn’t run away_ , Harry wanted to tell him, but it’s pretty pointless so he just remained quiet for a moment, rubbing at his temple. “I’m over it, now,” he lied even though he’d always been pretty terrible at it. “It’s not a big deal.” If the memory of that day still haunted Harry late at night while he tried to sleep, well, that’s something he really need not share with Liam right now. Most days he had trouble even admitting to himself how painful of a memory it was.

 

“Right.”

 

Harry pretended not to notice the way Liam’s eyes were trained on the glass that Harry’s hand was clutching tightly. His knuckles were starting to turn white from the force of it.

 

"Well," Liam continued, pulling his gaze back up to meet Harry's. "Now that I know you're back, we should plan something soon. Dinner, yeah? Niall will be so happy to see you - he's missed you terribly."

 

Harry stuffed down his guilt and nodded politely. "Yeah...sure. Soon," he agreed, half committedly.

 

"I'm serious." His tone was sterner now, smile still hanging onto his lips. He went to stand up. "Call me, okay, Harry? I've got to run - but seriously. _Call_ me."

 

“Wait...” Harry murmured just as Liam started to turn away. He winced at his own pathetic stupidity, but continued on anyway. “Um... how... How is he?”

 

“Niall? He’s pretty good,” Liam teased even though there was no sense of amusement on his face.

 

Harry gritted his teeth in annoyance. His hand twitched next to the glass. He wanted to slurp it back and then convince the pretty bartender to go get him another. He wanted to drink so much that the memory of this conversation would be lost to him. “Not Niall,” he echoed stupidly. “L- Liam.” Harry switched halfway, unable to force his lips around the name. It felt heavy enough on his tongue.

 

Liam pursed his lips, suddenly serious. His gaze remained locked steady on Harry as he buttoned up his jacket. "Why don't you sober up and give him a call."

 

Liam said it with an exceptionally pointed look that made Harry's skin crawl. Sober up. He said it in a way that made it fairly clear what he meant. Liam didn't mean just right now. It was there in the words he didn't say. _Get your life together before you bother Louis_.

 

There was no way Harry would be able to call him. He’d thought about it so many times - probably every day for the last six months. Too much had happened, too much time had passed. He’d hurt Louis far too much to ask for forgiveness at this point.

 

He especially couldn’t do it without liquid courage.

 

"I'll see you, Liam," Harry murmured instead of an actual response. He wasn't sure if it were a lie or not.

 

Liam looked sad for a moment, but then he managed a smile and nodded. "See you, Haz."

 

*****

Harry woke up the next morning with a mouthful of long black hair and the smell of strawberry perfume tickling the inside of his nostrils.

 

"Jesus, _fuck_ ," he grumbled while trying to untangle himself from the warm limbs curled around him. His head spun a little and all he wanted to do was lie back down and sleep for a few more hours.

 

But he had to get out of here before she woke up.

 

He hadn't meant to do this - coming back to London was supposed to be his _fresh start_. No more partying, no more drugs and one night stands and getting so drunk he couldn't even remember the previous night. But here he was, in a strangers bed, with a funny taste in his mouth and crusted hungover eyes.

 

He got out of bed with a heavy heart, the last thing he could really remember was seeing Liam and then downing a couple shots immediately after. Liam was _family_. Liam was comfort and warmth and kind of like home. But he always reminded Harry far too much of the days where he lived out of a suitcase and judged the days by city signs. Times when he curled himself into a too small tour bus bed with someone who always had cold feet.

 

Liam reminded him of Louis and Louis reminded him of how much he hated himself. So it was all a bit messy, and Harry decided it was understandable that he had tried to fix everything by fucking some random girl into her mattress.

 

Though he hadn't fixed anything. Not a bloody thing.

 

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He sometimes wondered if sixteen year old Harry could see his future would he still go through with it? But then he always remembered the way he got to feel, falling in love with his best friend and experiencing the world all at once. Every time he came to the same conclusion, he wouldn’t change the end if that meant he lost their beginning. He isn’t sure that everyone gets to experience a love like that.

 

*****

 

_"This time last year we were just hearing rumours that Louis Tomlinson was going to be leaving One Direction. Wow, Jade, can you believe how quickly time flies? Feels like just yesterday."_

 

_The other girl, Jade, laughed in agreement. "Remember all those girls on twitter? The rumours caused utter madness. And here we are now, with Harry Styles still debuting number one with his solo album - though we're still waiting for word on whether or not he'll be doing a tour. Haven't heard much from the fella, lately."_

 

_"Not since he cancelled his wedding, no. Only the occasional bar sighting. We've also got sources that tell us Liam Payne has been seen a lot in the recording studio lately. Once with JT - now wouldn't that collab be to die for?"_

 

_"Mmmm, that's a pairing I can definitely get behind. Other band mate Zayn Malik has really stayed out of the limelight recently, which comes as no surprise. He was always recluse, even at their prime. Though he and Perrie are still going strong apparently - no wedding yet."_

 

_"I've heard Zaynie has been working on a set for a big gallery showing - isn't that cool? Art was always a passion of his. Remember in their documentary, he had that spray painted room? I still hope we’ll eventually get new music from him. What about Niall, though?"_

 

_"Niall is probably still crying over the break up."_

 

_“That’s probably pretty accurate,” Jade chuckled lightly. “There was no bigger One Direction fan than Niall Horan.”_

 

“Fuck off,” Harry directed at the radio while forcefully slapping at the mute button. “Fuck right off,” he repeated and then gave one swift smack to the steering wheel. He was decidedly too tired and hungover to be dealing with any of that, right now.

 

But his mind was already racing with the thoughts. Could it really have been an entire year since they’d split up? He remembered the moment exactly, when Liam had called him and told him the news. Louis was leaving the band. Because of Harry and his engagement. Then he had foolishly rushed to his apartment and asked him to be his bloody best man.

 

Harry was a fucking coward. Everything he had done in the past two years had been out of fear. He always accused Louis of being the one who was afraid of everything, but maybe it had been Harry all along.

 

“ _Coward_ ,” he growled at himself, running a hand through his now shoulder length hair. He kept meaning to get it cut but he just sort of... forgot. He couldn’t be bothered to do many things these days.

 

He took a sharp turn, directing his car to the side of the road. His security guard did the same from the car that was trailing behind him, just with a little less rushed movements. Having someone following him around all the time was one of the things he was sure he’d never get used too, even after all these years. He tried to push the thoughts out of his mind and fumbled around his coat pocket for his cellphone. His finger pushed up on the screen, rolling his contacts list quickly until he pressed his finger down and stopped very suddenly.

 

Shallow, tiny breathes escaped his parted lips as he blinked down at the nameless contact. He didn’t need a name, Harry still knew the number like he knew the hours of the day. He also knew if he called no one would pick up.

 

His phone hit the passenger seat with a thump, bouncing off and skittering across the matt. He squeezed his eyes shut, inhaling impossibly slow. It was a technique Gemma had tried to teach him. It never really seemed to work though.

 

“Coward,” he repeated to himself, hands shaking as he re-gripped the steering wheel and willed himself to veer back out onto the highway. He ignored the burning sensation in his chest and the moisture that was starting to collect in his eyes and continued down the street.

 

******

 

The thing was, Harry really had been a coward over the past couple of years. Not because he couldn't find the courage to call Louis, but because of the way he had treated him. It began when he walked out on Louis without reason except that he was scared, and it ended when he arrived at his door step out of nowhere, begging for his too late apology to be forgiven.

 

The worst part was he told Louis that _he_ had called out his wedding because he loved him, but that wasn't even the truth. He did love Louis, more than anything in the world, but he hadn't been the one to call of his wedding.

 

He was pretty sure he wouldn't have gone through with it, even if Katie hadn't done it first... But he's afraid to think that he probably would have let her get to the altar before he found the words to say "I can't marry you." And that would have been so much worse. So on the one hand he’s pretty glad with what happened that day.

 

_"Say something, I'm giving up on you..." Louis had finished on the telly. He was half a world away from Harry, and emotionally he was probably even further. But every emotion was written across his face, his continuous love for Harry still there after all this time._

 

_He had to squeeze his eyes shut to keep himself from crying. The song was still as beautiful and overwhelming as the first time that he'd heard it. The night he'd gotten drunk and foolishly rushed into Louis' arms without any regards for how it was going to affect Louis. He'd fucking proposed the next morning._

 

_He couldn't bring himself to continue to watch as Louis got up from the piano bench, face flushed and awed at the applause he'd received, and headed towards Ellen. He grabbed for the remote, flicked off the telly and then angrily chucked it across the room. It hit the wall with a clatter and landed on the floor below. He covered his face with his palms, angrily groaning into them._

 

_"Harry?" Katie murmured tentatively. When he parted his fingers to look through, he could see her reflection in the black screen. She was standing in the door frame, a worried look on her face as she hugged her body to it._

 

_"Oh, ehm... Hey. Didn't see you there." He ran his fingers through his hair, following up the words with a cough. He switched his gaze to the floor and chewed on his lip lightly, wondering how much she had seen._

 

_He continued to stare at the floor, a spot on the rug where Niall had spilt a beer and the stain had never quite disappeared. Louis had said it looked like a turtle and then Liam had accused him of never having seen a turtle before. If Harry concentrated hard enough he could still hear all of their laughter echoing together, melding as perfectly as their voices on a track._

 

_He hadn't simply thrown away his relationship with Louis. He threw away what they all had together, a friendship so rare that Harry doubted many people got to experience._

 

_He thought about this instead of focusing on the way that Katie hesitantly inched her way into the room, lowering herself down into the Lazy-Boy and hugged her knee into her chest. "Harry... I have to ask you something and I need you to be completely honest with me."_

 

_His body tensed but he looked at her, feigning ignorance. "What's wrong?"_

 

_"Are you... Or have you ever been in love with Louis?"_

 

_It's what he'd been expecting, granted maybe a little less direct, but he still knew in some way that it was coming. He wanted to be able to assure her that she'd gotten it all wrong, that he loved her and couldn't wait to marry her. But he'd been lying to himself and everyone else for too long._

 

_"Yeah," he finally tells her, not going into any further details. He was looking directly over her shoulder, bottom lip pulled into his mouth and brows furrowed together. His voice came out squeaky with a pitch to it._

 

_"Oh my god," she whispers so quietly that it's hardly more than a breath. "I... I... Fuck, Harry, I think it's your turn to take the reigns from here!" He could hear the tears in her voice but he still wasn’t looking at her so he couldn’t see them welling up in her eyes._

 

_"We, uh, we dated for like 3 years. I broke up with him. I broke his heart. I was, ehm, kind of awful to him and that's the reason he left the band."_

 

_He finally looked at Katie. She didn't look angry, just shocked and like she was letting everything settle in over her. "He left the band right after we got engaged. That's... That's why?"_

 

_There's really no sense in denying anything this point. "That's why." He didn’t add the part about him cheating on her._

 

_"Say Something is about you. Louis still loves you?"_

 

_"I... I don't know," Harry admitted with a half shrug. "But yeah it's about me."_

 

_"So, what? You're gay?" Her face crumpled a bit at that and Harry saw for the first time how much this was really hurting her. Of course it was._

 

_"No, God, Katie... It's not like that. Me and you... It's not fake. I'm bisexual. Everything between us has been real."_

 

_"But you love Louis." It's not a question so he doesn't bother answering. “That song... you didn’t write that song about me, did you? You love who you love... That’s a song about loving someone even if others think it’s wrong. Fuck, how could I have been so stupid? I should have known that time you got into a fight with him. It was written all over your face, how in love with him you were. You can’t help who you love, and you love Louis and not me.”_

 

_“Katie... no... I do love you,” he floundered helplessly. “You’ve got to believe me, I do love you. But...” The tears came in a quick rush, making him unable to even get the rest of his sentence out._

_“Harry, stop, you don’t... I can’t marry you, obviously. And I think you know that you can’t marry me either.”_

 

_He wanted to find a thousand ways to apologize, maybe one would make up for how awful he’d been to her. He settled for one small tearful apology and she had just nodded in reply before saying she was going to grab her stuff. She hadn’t fully moved in yet but over time more and more of her things had started to find it’s way into his space._

 

_He hadn’t been able to move in the time she was gone, still frozen in his place when she returned with a sad look mixed with pity. He found the strength to get up and trail behind her towards the front door of his flat._

 

_“I’m so sorry,” he repeated again. “Please don’t think that I didn’t love you. I did, I do. This was real.”_

 

_“I know, Harry,” she replied through her own tears. “I know you love me, but just not like you love him.”_

 

_“Katie...”_

 

_“Stop, okay? Just... I’m not going to tell you that it’s okay, or that this doesn’t hurt or that I’m not resenting that you couldn’t have figured all this out before you proposed to me. But it’s better that I know now, so... We’ll both be okay, Harry. I’ll find someone else, someone who really loves me and you...” She paused for a second, smiling through her tears. “I hope you get your boy back, because you deserve to be happy too.”_

 

Harry was now pretty sure he didn’t deserve to be happy. He had broken two people’s hearts. He had really cared about Katie, and he had let his own stupid denial of his feelings for Louis cause him to mess with her and treat her so unfairly. And he’d never be able to forgive himself for what he did to Louis.

 

*****

 

“Hello?”

 

Harry took a slow intake of breath. He hadn’t really expected Louis to answer the phone. It’d been about three weeks since he’d run into Liam and Harry had been wrestling with the idea of whether or not to call him ever since. He just really hadn’t expected an answer.

 

“Hello? Who is this?” Louis’ voice had begun to edge on impatient. It’d been so long since he’d heard him like that, real and directed at Harry and not on the radio or a talk show or CD.

 

“It’s...” He trailed off, pressing one palm into the socket of his eye to keep himself from tearing up. “Me.”

 

“Harry... what... oh god, what do you _want_?”

 

He can’t find the words to answer, just manages a dumb “ehm...”

 

“Why are you calling me, Harry? Why now?” Louis’ voice is still strong, clearly annoyed, but it’s got a small hint of apprehension to it, which Harry thought was well deserved.

 

“I’m calling because I never apologized to you, Louis, not really. And I’m sorry and I think you deserve to hear that. So, there it is. I’m really and truly sorry for everything I did to you.”

 

There’s a long pause on Louis’ end, but when he finally speaks his voice is wrecked and broken and Harry felt even worse. “You’re _not_ sorry, Harry. You’ve apologized so many times but you have never meant it.” Harry started to object but Louis just continued talking louder over him. “If you were truly sorry for hurting me, Harry, then you wouldn’t continue to fucking do it every chance you get. There’s no reason for you to be calling me right now except that you feel bad, or you’re lonely, or you miss me. But you’re not calling for _me_ , you’re calling for you. Because the only way you can really make it up to me is by leaving me the fuck alone.”

 

“Louis...” He managed to choke out.

 

“If you think an apology is going to fix everything don’t waste your time. If this is another attempt to get me back then go fuck yourself. It took forever to get over you, Harry, but I have. I have a boyfriend now, and if you want to make things right between us then let me be. Let me move on.”

 

Harry felt like he’d been punched in the guts. He hadn’t been expecting Louis to forgive him and ask him to meet up to catch up or anything. He hadn’t even been expecting the possibility of them really ever getting back together. But he never would have imagined Louis would be telling him that he had a bloody boyfriend. The news made his stomach roll with nausea. “A boyfriend...” He echoed.

 

“Yeah, a boyfriend. His name is Cam and I’ve been seeing him for six months now. And I really like him, so yeah. I’m hanging up now, Harry. Have a nice life.”

 

He stayed frozen for a ridiculous amount of time afterwards, phone still pressed against his ear. It felt a bit like the earth was starting to crumble around him and the worst part was knowing it was all his own fault.

 

He wondered if Louis felt this way the first time he'd heard about Katie. He remembered seeing Louis' fleeing back, stumbling out of the restaurant, and he knew that Louis probably felt worse. Harry had completely blind sighted him with a relationship just months after he'd torn apart theirs.

 

It didn't feel better, the twisting realization of how miserable he deserved to feel. It just made him hate himself that much more.

 

*****

 

"Harry fucking Styles," Niall grinned the second he walked through the door. His arms were out, wrapping Harry up into his tight embrace immediately. "I missed you so much," he whispered into his ear. The hug only got tighter and regret washed over Harry like a tsunami wave, reminding him just how much they all had lost because of him.

 

"I missed you too," he replied with complete honesty. Over Niall's shoulder he could see Liam smiling at them with a gentle admiration, almost like a proud parent and that was just sort of Liam in a nutshell.

 

Liam caught a hold of Harry's gaze and the small smile broke into a giant grin, quickly crawling up his cheeks. "I'm glad you called, Harry."

 

"Me too." It was still the truth. Harry thought it was probably time he work on forgiving himself for the mistakes he'd made. Granted, their presence in his home made his skin crawl with a nervous anxiety, their footsteps on his carpet a whispering echo that reminded Harry of how much he'd screwed up. But he had to try and redevelop their friendship if he ever wanted to feel okay again.

 

A few beers later, and halfway through the footy game, Harry let the question slip out of his that he'd been trying to hold back. "Why didn't you tell me?" It was directed at Liam, even though he wasn't looking at him.

 

"You didn't ask," he responded swiftly without asking for any clarification. He looked calm, poised like he'd been waiting for the question all night.

 

"I asked how he was and you told me I should call him. You didn't tell me he had a boyfriend." His voice was wavering to an unsteady pitch and he felt a bit foolish, doing this in front of his friends. He'd broken up with Louis three years ago - what right did he have to still be sad about it?

 

Niall, who was looking confused for a moment, settled on a pained look as he finally realized they were talking about Louis.

 

"You didn't ask if he had a boyfriend. I figured that meant you didn't want to know, or the thought had never crossed your mind." His gaze was steady, his face blank with no sense of guilt or regret. "Plus maybe it wasn't mine to tell. I think you needed to hear it from Louis."

 

"Why because you wanted me to suffer? Some kind of payback for what I did to your best friend Louis?" Harry was being irrational now, but he had a good buzz on and he was pissed off. He hadn't realized it before but Liam's words were bringing him to that conclusion.

 

"Harry-" Niall whispered sharply but Liam cut him off. His voice was still hard, confident. "I'm sick of my friends suffering, Harry. Fuck you if you think that’s what I want. I watched Louis being miserable, and I watched you be miserable and I couldn't do anything about it. I tried for two years to keep this fucking band together - but more importantly our friendship. What I found through this band was greater than any number one album. I didn't want to lose it but I did because you and Louis couldn't keep your shit together. I missed you, Harry. I missed the five of us. So I'm sorry that when I saw you I didn't tell you that Louis had a boyfriend. Can you honestly tell me though, that if I had, you would have wanted to hangout with us? You would have been pissed at me and I - I wanted you back. Maybe I should have told you but I'm sick to fucking death of being in the middle of you two, and losing things because of it."

 

"Liam-" Harry choked out helplessly.

 

"Wait... Before you say anything, Harry you should know that I don't blame you for the end of One Direction. Neither does he," Liam nodded jerkily in Niall's direction, who nodded quickly with large eyes. "Or Zayn. Do we wish things worked out differently? Yes. But I know it was hard for you, and you made a decision that at the time was right for you. The relationship was hurting you... I saw that. I don’t blame you, and you need to stop dwelling on what happened or you’re never going to be happy.”

 

An eery silence settled around the room after Liam had stopped talking. He looked in the opposite direction of Harry, but from his profile he could tell his brows were furrowed and he was chewing on his bottom lip. Harry figured he probably ought to say something in response to that, especially since Niall was staring awkwardly into his mug, looking uncomfortable with the tension. The thing was, Harry knew Liam was right. In some way it had been exactly the reason he had invited them over in the first place. But hearing it out loud was different, knowing Liam felt the same way.

 

“You’re right,” he finally settled on, because Liam really did like to hear that he was right. Sure enough he tentatively turned his gaze back on Harry. “I’m sorry, for putting you in the middle. I mean, it’s been three years, it’s not really any of my business anymore.”

 

Liam just looked at him sadly.

 

“I just... I miss him so much, you know?” Harry finally admitted, his voice breaking on the last word before his face bunched up and tears starting falling down his cheeks.

 

“Oh Harry,” Niall murmured sympathetically as he scooted his way down the couch until he was curled up next to Harry’s side, wrapping him in a tight hug. It didn’t take long for Liam to follow his lead and hug Harry from the other side, petting down his hair at the same time.

 

Harry had never had this. Louis was the one who got dumped, he was the one who got cuddles and got to rant to their friends. Harry was the bad guy, he hadn’t had the right to ask for support from his friends in the same way. Breaking up with Louis had been the hardest thing he’d ever done, he still wished he found another solution, but at the time it was the only option he had left. It didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt, or that he didn’t spend months tossing and turning, wishing for the warmth of an extra body in his bed. He’d still wake up the next morning with bloodshot eyes and dark circles.

 

It felt liberating, after all this time, to be able to hug his best friends and just cry about how miserable he was.

 

“I made a huge mistake, and I tried to fix things and I always just made everything worse. But I miss him, he wasn’t just my boyfriend - he was my best friend.” He was shaking in their embrace but every word felt like a huge weight being lifted off his chest. “I still love him, and he hates me now.”

 

“It’s going to be okay, Haz,” Liam murmured against his head. Harry was pretty sure Liam was crying too, and suspicious sniffles were coming from Niall’s side. Sometimes Harry forgot how much of their lives had been wrapped up in Harry and Louis’ relationship, too. They had watched them fall in love from the first day, there every step of the way. It had been a central point in the band, and their friendship.

 

“How do you know that?” He asked helplessly in return.

 

“Because,” Niall replied. “Because you’ve got us now. You don’t have to pretend to be okay, you've got us and we're not letting you push us away again."

 

Harry didn't say anything to that, just hugged his friends tighter.

 

*****

 

"Where are you?" Harry asked Nick through his mobile. Nick was one of his close friends that he actually hadn't pushed away in the past. He'd never liked Louis anyway, it felt good to have someone who was always on his side, for once.

 

"I'll be there soon," he responded, sounding distracted. There was a crash in the background and then Nick was shouting "pig, no!"

 

"You haven't even left your house yet?" Harry glanced at the clock on the wall that was telling him Nick was almost 10 minutes late.

 

"I said I'll be there soon, don't worry." Nick seemed annoyed at something and Harry had asked him to come out to cheer him up, so he wasn't Evven sure if he wanted Nick to actually show up anymore, but he just begrudgingly muttered an ‘okay’ and hung up.

 

He debated for a few moments on whether or not he should text Niall and ask him to meet him. They’d hung out much more in the past month, going on golf trips and just getting drunk and playing FIFA. He’d spent time with both Liam and Zayn, too, rebuilding his friendships. They’d all gone out to dinner once and then got drunk at Liam’s together another time, but it never felt right when they hung out in a big group. It was obvious in every pause that someone was missing. They didn’t function as a foursome.

 

It’d been over a month since Harry had last spoken to Louis, which actually wasn’t that long considering the lengths they had gone before. He was sticking to Louis request, leaving him ‘the fuck alone’ because it was what he deserved. He didn’t bring him up in conversations with the lads, and for all they knew he didn’t even think about him. That was why he was so adamant on having a night out with Nick. When he was with the lads it always felt like they were dancing around something, all afraid to broach a subject. Harry knew they saw Louis frequently too, and probably Cam as well.

 

Just because Harry was leaving Louis alone didn’t mean he didn’t think about him. He’d spend hours at night, staring up at the dark ceiling and wondering what Cam was like. Was he good to Louis? Was he better looking than Harry? Did he make Louis happy? He kept wondering all these things, trying to picture Louis with someone else, while he drank at the bar and waited for Nick.

 

It was thirty minutes and three drinks later when he saw her walk in through the entrance. All long legs and shiny brown hair, smile spread over her cheeks. The sight of her made him sick.

 

He didn’t know how close Eleanor still was with Louis. The last time Harry had seen her was that party that Harry had brought her too. Seeing her that night had made him so mad because Louis was still using her as a coverup. When was he going to grow a pair and not live his life behind the comfort of a fake girlfriend? He’d gotten too drunk and had managed to say this all out loud, and he had ended up fucking punching Louis.

 

Eleanor didn’t exactly represent anything good in his life.

 

She caught Harry staring at her. Her head cocked to the side and she gave him a curious appraisal before smiling slightly and turning to say something to the guy standing behind her. Then she started walking across the bar in his direction.

 

Harry wanted to throw up, or run away, or something. He did not want to talk to Eleanor, especially not when he was halfway to drunk and upset. He mentally willed her to take the turn to the bathroom but it didn’t work because she made her way to him, laid her clutch on to the bar top and slid into the stool next to him.

 

“Hi, Harry,” she said softly. Harry always sort of got struck noticing how beautiful she was, every time she came around. If it weren’t for the fact that he hated her, he’d probably be attracted to her. She carried herself with a poise and classiness that he always found appealing.

 

“Eleanor,” he murmured in response. To avoid meeting her gaze for too long he ducked his head and slammed back the rest of his drink. He’d probably regret that later, but for now it seemed like the only logical thing to do.

 

“How have you been?” She asked, too sweet, like they were old friends. It made his fists clench against his knees.

 

“Fine,” he lied. “Yourself?” Because his mum had at least taught him some manners.

 

“Pretty good. It’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, huh?” She asked and it sounded way too much like old friends trying to catch up. Harry was convinced she’d gotten amnesia or something and had forgotten their whole past together. They’d never gotten along. Her mere presence on tour had been to send Harry into a sulking depressed mood for days. To him she represented society’s fucked up views on his sexuality, the very reason he was clustered into the closet and had lost everything. He’d never acted warmly to her.

 

“Not long enough,” he responded coolly while signaling to the bartender that he needed another drink. There goes his manners, his mum would be so dissapointed.

 

“Wow, Harry,” she sighed with the same smile still plastered on her face. “Don’t beat around the bush. Had a couple of those, I assume?”

 

Fuck her for her judging gaze.

 

“What do you want?” He growled, looking over her shoulder and pursing his lips.

 

“Nothing,” she snorted. “I don’t want anything. I just thought maybe you’d grown up a bit. My mistake.” She picked up her clutch and started to push herself off the stool.

 

“Have you met him?”

 

She fell back into her seat and cocked an eyebrow at him.

 

“Cam, I mean. Have you met him?” He didn’t want to ask but he had too. He’d promised Liam he wouldn’t put them in the middle anymore but he was dying to know. He pressed the new glass the bartender had given him to his lips and focused on that to avoid looking at her.

 

"Course I have," Eleanor answered smoothly as she tucked a long strand behind her ear. She was smiling warmly as she added "who do you think set them up?"

 

A rage bubbled up through Harry at that. His lips curled back into a snarl. “Fuck you, Eleanor. God.” He pressed his palms against his face.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry, was that wrong of me?” She deadpanned, suddenly looking very fed up with this whole conversation.

 

“You’ve wanted to fucking ruin my life since the day you stepped foot into it. Admit it.”

 

He eyes narrowed and she shook her head with a sad look, as if feeling sympathy for the pathetic mess that Harry was. "Have you ever thought that maybe," she drawled slowly. "The fact that you've always thought that is your biggest problem. Maybe that's why you've lost everything." When Harry said nothing she continued. "I was just doing my job, Harry. If you haven't been so blinded by your hate for me, you'd have seen that. I didn't want take Louis from you. Never. Lou's my best friend, all I want for him is happiness. Once upon a time I think you wanted the same."

 

Lou. The way the nickname fell easily from her mouth without thought made Harry flinch. If anyone had told him that he’d be the stranger in Louis’ life, and Eleanor would be one of his closest friends he never would have believed them. But here he was, on the outside.

 

“He loved you, and I know you don’t need me to tell you that. But I saw it, in the misery on his face when he was forced to be seen with me. I wasn’t trying to keep you apart - I didn’t agree with what they were doing to you. If I had of known how much it was going to hurt you - I would have never signed the contract.” She paused, probably waiting to see if he were going to jump in and say anything. After a moment she continued. “But I did, I had a job to do and I did it. So did Louis. Maybe if you guys had realized that we could all have been friends, you know? Louis eventually did. We could have found ways to screw with Modest! together. I don’t know, but I hope you do know that the last thing I ever wanted was for you and Louis not to make it.”

 

“Thanks,” Harry finally said. He cleared his throat. “For ehm, being there for him after. He needed a friend like you. So, thanks.”

 

Eleanor smiled one of the kindest smiles he’d ever seen. “I didn’t do it for you, but you’re welcome anyway. He’s a wonderful person.”

 

Harry snorted. He didn’t need telling. “I know he is.”

 

Eleanor finally slid off her stool. Patting him on the arm she added quietly “so are you, Harry. Not everyone is out to get you” before turning around and pushing her way through the crowded bar.

 

When he pulled his phone out of his pocket he had a text from Nick. So sorry. Seriously on the way now, be there in ten minutes xx. It was sent seven minutes ago, which meant he was probably just around the corner if he was being honest about being on the way. Harry stood up anyway and pulled his jacket on roughly. He wasn’t in the mood to party, now, and fuck Nick for taking so long in the first place. He couldn’t stop hearing the echo of Eleanor’s words, and it was making him dizzy.

 

Not everyone is out to get you. He knew that, realistically. Maybe he had been acting as if everyone was, though.

 

The bar was starting to feel like it was closing in on him so he hurried outside and hailed down a taxi. He mumbled his address as he slid into the back seat and then let his eyes lull shut for the rest of the ride. His mobile vibrated in his pocket but he just screened the calls, figuring it was Nick anyway.

 

He was well drunk and probably stupid, but as they neared his neighbourhood he pulled out it out, scrolling past Nick’s many texts, and composed one to Louis. You’re lucky to have a friend like Eleanor. By the time he paid and stumbled up to his bedroom he still hadn’t gotten a reply so he turned off his phone and flung himself into his bed, mentally prepared for whatever hangover tomorrow would throw at him.

 

*****

 

Harry quite liked his house. It was secluded, with a large lawn with a long driveway, enclosed by a golden gate. His backyard had a swimming pool, there was a home gym in his basement and a home theatre too. There were far more rooms than he’d ever have use for, a state of the art kitchen where he liked to bake and cook different meals with his sister. There was a balcony off the kitchen that overlooked a beautiful view and he often liked to eat breakfast out there in the warmer months, enjoying the sun and his morning paper. Harry thought the place was utterly lovely and had been willing to put down the large sum of cash to cover the cost. It was a great place to live but it is definitely not home.

 

Because home for Harry was always a smaller flat with one bedroom and two closets and a messy roommate who he happened to wake up tangled with every morning. It was the place he had left his parent’s house for at sixteen, to start a whole new life.

 

But Harry had packed his bags and left that flat and that boy and that life. He had walked away even when Louis screamed and sobbed and begged him to stay. He didn’t really deserve to feel at home anymore.

 

Sometimes at night he could still hear the broken way that Louis had called after him, the pitch of terror wavering in his voice. It mixed with the howling wind blowing at his walls, just frequent and loud enough to keep him from sleeping.

 

He was the one who had burned down his home, leaving it in ashes that he couldn’t ever repair. He dug his grave, so he had to lay in it. (Albeit the grave cost him a few million pounds and had a hot tub.)

 

Fill my house with people and booze, pls.

 

The loneliness was starting to creep in a on him and he felt a big pathetic sitting on his balcony alone with a beer. So he texted Nick, and that’s how only three hours later his home was filled with loud music, drunk girls doing body shots off each other on his counter top, and a dance party going on in his front room. If he hadn’t been drunk before this thing had even started he probably would have put away his valuables, like their Brits and various awards that he kept in a glass shelf. Now though he’d just worry about anything in the morning.

 

“There you are, my little Harry,” Nick cooed as he half walked, half stumbled his way over to Harry, looping his arm out to wrap it around his neck as they crashed together a bit. “I haven’t seen you in like, forever,” Nick told him with narrowed eyes with bopping him on the nose.

 

Harry scrunched up his face and tried to wiggle out of Nick’s grasp before admitting defeat and slumping against him. “Saw you like, three weeks ago,” he defended.

 

“Yeah but you completely ditched me last week at the club and haven’t returned my calls.” Nick made a ridiculous pouting face, leaning in closer to snuggle Harry.

 

“Fuck.” Harry’s head was starting to spin a bit. “Let’s go sit down, you’re going to topple us over.” Nick seemed to agree because he followed Harry’s lead and they fell back against leather couch. “And I didn’t ditch you,” Harry amended once they were comfortably leaning against each other. “You were late.”

 

“You didn’t tell me you were leaving! I had an emergency, Harry! Like a real big one. If I weren’t so drunk I’d tell you all about it.” Nick shifted a bit and then wiggled forward so his face was smashed into the space between Harry’ shoulder and neck.

 

“Well I had to get out of there. I ran into Eleanor.”

 

Nick pulled back quickly with wide eyes. “Like, the beard?” He demanded, stroking his face.

 

“Like, Louis’ new best friend,” Harry muttered bitterly. His bottle was nearly empty and he definitely needed another if he were going to have this conversation. “Hey, mate!” He called to a guy walking past them towards the kitchen. He held up his empty beer when the guy looked at him. “Grab me another?”

 

“Did you talk to her?” Nick asked in a slow, lazy voice. He had resumed his position on Harry’s shoulder and Harry was pretty sure if he didn’t extract himself from the situation soon he was going to be stuck with a passed out Grimshaw on his shoulder all night.

 

“Mm-hmm,” Harry hummed. “Was drunk. Was an asshole.”

 

Nick snickered delightfully. “Nothing new, is that? You can’t exactly keep your mouth shut when you’re drinking. Remember the time you punched Tomlinson in the face?”

 

Harry winced and kicked Nick’s shin. “Not funny,” he grumbled while shaking Nick off. “I really fucked up, haven’t I?”

 

“Yeah, ‘spose you have, love. You need to get laid,” Nick told him decidedly, sitting up quickly. He squinted his eyes and scanned the room then pointed towards the kitchen. “Him. Go fuck him.”

 

Harry looked in the direction he was pointing, at the tall blonde bloke leaning against his oven and talking to a girl. “Is he even gay?” Harry wondered out loud.

 

“For Harry Style’s, who wouldn’t be, darling?” Nick teased, pressing a sloppy kiss to his cheek. “Dunno. You could find out.”

 

Harry shook his head quickly. “No. Not him.” Harry hadn’t told Nick, or any of his close friends for that matter, but he hadn’t slept with a guy since Louis. Or before, either, so really Louis was the only guy. Sometimes Harry told himself it was because he didn’t want his coming out to be fueled by a trashy article about a guy telling all about his night with Harry Styles. Most of the time he was smart enough to admit that he wanted Louis to be the only one.

 

“Him?” Nick pointed and then rolled his eyes when Harry shook his head. “Okay, him?” This time he snorted. “Oh Harold, you’re too picky. You fucked Tomlinson, for fucks sake.”

 

Harry gave him a sharp glare at that. “I was madly in love with him, thank you,” he defended. “Still am. Appreciate it if you didn’t talk shit about him all the time.”

 

“It’s what friends do. Talk shit about crappy exes who broke your heart.”

 

“I broke his,” Harry corrected and suddenly this conversation was getting far too serious. The whole point of the party was to make him stop thinking about Louis in the first place. “Going to go find a girl to dance with.”

 

He left Nick on the couch and wandered through the hallways until he found himself in the theatre room. There were a couple of people in there, some doing what looked like cocaine in the corner. He pointedly avoided that, deciding to focus on the girl sitting in the back row instead. “Hi,” he said to her while sliding down into the seat next to her. “I’m Harry.”

 

She rolled her eyes and giggled. “Yeah, I know. I took my little sister to like, three of your concerts.”

 

“Don’t have to blame it on your sister,” he teased. “You can admit you just went to see me.”

 

She giggled a bit harder this time. “Maybe. Maybe I had some of your posters on my wall. I’ll never tell.”

 

“What’s your name?”

 

“Carlie.” Her tongue darted out to lick over her top lip before it curved up into a smile. She was hot, with long red hair and a tight black dress that hugged to her frame. She was clearly drunk too, and her hand was placed on his knee, travelling up the inseam of his jeans.

 

Suddenly everything was too much and he knew how big of a mistake this would be. He didn’t want to be this person anymore, someone who got drunk, had sex and then woke up in the morning feeling like shit about it. He wanted to be the type of person that deserved Louis’ again. He wanted Louis and no one else.

 

“Stop,” he mumbled hurriedly. He pushed her back away, just as it started tracing his inner thigh and stood up. “I have too... make a call.” He bolted out of there, not as gracefully as he would have liked and stumbled down the stairs until he’d reached his bedroom. He’d make sure it was off limits, so there was no one in there as he tripped through the door and staggered towards the bed. He lay down and wriggled around to get his mobile out of his too tight pockets.

 

He hadn’t been expecting it, but Louis answered on the fourth ring. “For fuck sakes, Harry, somebody better be dying.”

 

Harry couldn’t help but giggle at that. Louis was just so wonderful and his voice was sweet and sour all at once and he wanted more than anything to get to kiss him. “No one is dying, sorry,” he said without sounding sorry at all.

 

There was a long silence until Louis finally filled it with a sigh. “What do you want?”

 

“I think you know what I want. You were always so good at knowing what I wanted.” It’s true. Harry has never had sex with anyone else that came close to comparing to it with Louis’. Especially blow jobs, how was Louis so good at those? “Does Cam know what you want? Like I did?”

 

“You’re drunk...” He acknowledged. And yeah, Harry was very very drunk right now. “Are you at a fucking party?”

 

Harry was silent as he listened to the loud thump of the base coming from downstairs and the people screaming and singing along with the music. “No, I’m in my home. There’s just people partying in it.”

 

"Oh so you're having a fucking party. Awesome. Go enjoy your legendary rager and find some whore willing to hook up with you. Forget about Cam and I."

"Every girl here is trying to hook up with me. They all want to be famous and shagging drunk Harry Styles is their golden ticket."

"That's wonderful for you, Harry." Louis' voice was thick with sarcasm and it actually made Harry's heart flutter because Louis was so lovely and witty and Harry loved when he was being an arsehole - even if it was directed at him. "You're really living the dream, yeah?"

"What? God, Lou, no. That's not the dream... You... You're the dream."

"You had me. You fucking had me Harry."

"Want you back."

"I'm not doing this." Louis let out a long sigh and if Harry squinted enough he could almost see Louis, standing by the counter in his kitchen, frustrated scowl on his face as he leaned up against the counter. He knew Louis so well. He knew what he did when he was pissed off. How he frowned when he didn't know what to say. "Just go, like, hook up with some pretty girl and forget about me, okay?"

"Like you've forgotten me?" Harry snapped back.

"I've sure as hell tried. It'd be easier if you weren't drunk dialing or texting me all the time."

"You're such an asshole! I don't know what I can do to fix this, you're not even trying! You're just giving up on us without giving it a chance - isn't.... Isn't what we had enough to fucking try for again? We were so good together and I just... Don't you remember? I love you, please don't give up on us now."

He was shaking with his words, lip trembling. Through the line he could hear the soft sobs now coming from Louis, slow and steady like he was trying his best to keep himself together. The silence dragged on for what felt like forever, the two of them just crying into the phone together

"I'm only going to say this once," Louis finally told him. "I say this and then that's it, we're fucking done. You don't call me you don't text me, okay? Everything... Everything you just said is exactly how I felt for years, okay? You left me. You didn't even tell me why, you know? Just said you couldn't do it anymore. We were fucking amazing together, I remember everyday. I just couldn't understand how you could throw away what we had without fighting or talking to me or trying to make it work. I loved you, god did I fucking love you. You gave up on me. You left me. You broke my heart. Don't you dare call me an asshole for moving on. It's been three years. It took you a couple of months to parade Katie around in my face. You fucked me and proposed to her the next day.... That night you told me you'd never leave me again and then you left before I could even wake up. You're the asshole here, Harry. Not me. So don't you dare try to turn this around like I'm the one hurting you."

Harry couldn't remember how to speak, and even if he could he had no idea what he would even say. Louis was right, everything he said was true and Harry knew it. He woke up everyday feeling like an asshole, retracing every mistake he'd made and wishing he could take it back.

 

“I hurt you, I know I did, I fucking get it, okay? I made a mistake a- a lot of mistakes. I fucking know it and so does everyone. I blame myself, everyone blames me. I lost fucking everything but most importantly I lost my best friend and... just fuck I lost you. It’s my fault and I hurt you and I fucking hate that. I wake up every morning hating myself for what I did too you. I don’t know what to do to make you forgive me.” He was sobbing so hard, his hands were shaking and he dropped his phone. It slid off the blanket and hit the floor with a thump. When he reached for it again the call had ended and he didn’t know if Louis had hung up or if it had been because of the fall.

 

He didn’t bother trying to call back again. Instead he grabbed a jacket from his closet and his keys off the nightstand table. On the way to the front door he past by the front room where Nick was predictably passed out on his couch, slumped over the arm rest with his mouth hung wide opened. Harry was thankful as he hurried through, knowing Nick would be the only person to stop him from leaving.

 

His head was dizzy and his eyelids felt tired but he still slid into the drivers seat. He needed to get out of here, so he turned the keys in the ignition and jerkily backed out of the driveway.

 

“Not even very drunk,” he said out loud to himself as he reached for the radio and turned it on. The station was having some dubstep friday night DJ thing and he drummed his hands on the steering wheel to the beat, leaning farther over the wheel to see through the rain that was pouring down. Not even his windshield wipers were doing a good job of keeping his vision clear.

 

“Fuck,” he mumbled as he tried to figure out which turn was the one that would get him to Louis’ neighbourhood. He started one way then realized halfway through that the sign he recognized was directing him the other way. With a sharp turn he tried to switch directions, but he jerked the steering wheel too quickly and the lost control of the car on a large puddle of water. It went sailing sideways down the road, and the last thing Harry saw before everything went black, was the pole that looming over his window.

 

****

"What the fuck," Harry mumbled as his eyes fluttered opened. The light was far too bright and he winced against it. He was waking up from what must have been the wildest night of his life, because he'd never felt a hangover like this before. He tried to sit up but his entire body ached.

"What the fuck?" He tried again, his throat was raw and he ended up sputtering a cough. He didn't recognize the tiled ceiling over his head. He tried to stretch, unkink his neck, but when it lulled to one side he caught sight of the IV poking into his forearm.

 

"What the fuck?" He shrieked with more rising panic. Did he drink himself to alcohol poisoning? His mum would murder him if that were the case. He'd promised her he'd had his life under control and this was the opposite of that.

 

It only took one look at the TV set in the corner of the room to make everything come back to him with a ridiculous flood of clarity. Fuck. The girl, his fight with Louis... He was trying to go to Louis' house and he was drunk and... Fuck he wanted to cry. His mum really was going to murder him now.

 

"Breaking news," the woman on the TV was saying. Up above her to the left was a picture of Harry singing. Underneath was a picture of his totalled car, front smashed into a pole. "Harry Styles, former member of the boy band One Direction, wrapped his car around a pole two nights ago after leaving a party in his own home. Right now it is still unclear whether it was a drunken accident or an attempt to take his own life. Sources say the star has yet to wake up in the hospital. More information and pictures after the break."

 

He wasn't trying to kill himself! Was that really what everyone was thinking? Where were the goddamn nurses? He needed to phone his mum and let her know he wasn't trying to kill himself! He couldn't imagine how she felt, thinking such things.

 

The door opened and Harry's attention snapped to it quickly. He winced at the shooting pain up his neck and then... He forgot all about it. "Louis." He gasped.

 

Louis blinked, surprised to see him awake Harry assumed. He looked so small, wrapped in a huge jumper that Harry was pretty sure belonged to him once upon a time. His hair was messy, fringe pushed every way and his eyes were rimmed red. "You're... Shit. I... I should go get Liam. He's been really worried."

 

"Wait," Harry tried. His voice was hoarse, it ached to speak but this was worth it. "Lou... Don't go just yet, okay?"

 

Louis' hand was back on the door knob. His eyes searched Harry for a second but then he nodded slowly and let go. "Okay, Harry," he said softly.

 

"I'm so sorry." It wasn't what Harry planned on saying but it gushed out and Louis shrunk at the words, nodding faster with a pained look.

 

"I know... It's, god it's okay. I'm sorry too. The things I said... I shouldn't have."

 

Harry frowned. Granted he was insanely drunk for the conversation but he was pretty sure the blame was all on him, here. He deserved everything Louis said, if not more and... Right. Fuck.

 

"Jesus, it wasn't on purpose!" He exclaimed, his voice rising, realizing why Louis was acting like this. "I didn't try to kill myself!"

 

Louis squeezed his eyes tight and Harry could tell he was trying not to cry. "Really? You swear?"

 

"Yes, Louis."

 

"God, oh my god, I'm so fucking glad to hear that, Harry." Louis was trembling from where he was standing, way too far from Harry.

 

"Come here. Please?" Harry held up his hand that wasn't attached to the IV pole and tried to offer it to Louis. Instead of coming and taking it he looked at Harry's hand like it was a weapon or something, like Harry was trying to hurt him.

 

"I really should get Liam. Or a nurse, probably." Louis was backing away, only stopped when his back hit the door with a small thud. He looked surprised but turned quickly and left the room.

 

****

 

The next couple of hours were spent being checked up by doctors, being spoken too about his DUI charges, and endlessly apologizing to his mum and sister and Liam, Niall and Zayn.

 

They were only allowed two people in the room at a time, so they all took their turns. He had to explain too many times that it wasn't a suicide attempt, and promising to never be so stupid ever again.

 

"You could have died, you know? This isn't a joke. You could have fucking died," Liam had cried at his side. "We would have all thought you'd tried it. How selfish could you be? What were you thinking?"

 

Harry licked his lips and focused his vision on the floor. "Wasn't," he admitted. "I just... I had to see him and it was stupid, I know. I'm so sorry."

 

"If you weren't banged up I'd punch you right now," Liam said but Harry could see from the look in his eyes that he had been forgiven.

 

"So..." Harry sighed, unable to stop himself from asking any longer. "He left?"

 

Something settled over Liam's face that he couldn't read. He shook his head slowly. "No," he sighed. "He's still here. But..."

 

“Liam, I know, okay? I fucked up but I just... please tell him I just want to apologize, for real? I know I scared him.”

 

Liam pressed his face into his palms. “You hurt him. You’re my friend, Haz, but so is he. I don’t know if I can go out there and ask him to let you hurt him more.”

 

Tears were starting to gather in Harry’s eyes. He was just so frustrated with all of this. “I don’t want to hurt him! I just want to say goodbye, okay?”

 

“No one is saying you want to hurt him, Harry. It’s not... it’s just that anytime you guys end up talking, that’s what happens. It’s not, it’s no ones fault. It is what it is.”

 

“It is what it is?” Harry barks bitterly. All he can think of is the words delicately taking the space of Louis’ collarbones. All he can think about is the way his lips had traced the words, tongue circling the loops of the letters, while Louis shivered beneath him. The butterfly on Harry’s stomach burned like a cruel reminder. He nodded tightly at Liam. “Alright, yeah. You should go, okay? I want to be left alone.”

 

Liam looked at him sadly then stood up. “I love you, you know? You’re my brother, please fix yourself. Don’t let this happen again.”

 

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” Harry said helplessly for what felt like the hundredth time.

 

“I know,” Liam sighed. “But you did choose to drive when you were smashed. It was a choice that you made. Just. Don’t be that stupid again, yeah?”

 

Harry nodded with a tight jaw, not looking at Liam. “Yeah,” he said through clenched teeth. “Can you go now?” He didn’t bother looking at the hurt expression on Liam’s face and he managed to wait until the door clicked shut before he broke down in tears, clutching at the pillow.

 

Maybe Liam was right. Every time he spoke to Louis he hurted not only him, but himself as well. Maybe it was time he just gave up and moved on, for both of their sakes.

 

*****

“Come in,” Harry called to whoever was knocking on his door.

 

The door opened and Louis was suddenly standing in the doorway, wearing a regretful expression and clutching the straps of a duffle bag in one hand. “Hey.”

 

Harry sat up slowly, only slightly wincing from the pain. “Oh...” He hadn’t spoken in a couple of hours so he had to clear his throat to make his voice louder. “I thought you’d left with the others?” After he’d been a complete jerk to Liam, his mum had come in and told him visiting hours were ending and that they’d be back in the morning when he was to be discharged. He didn’t ask about his friends, or Louis. She still wasn’t quite meeting his eyes and he hated how much he’d been putting her through lately.

 

“I did... yeah.” Louis dropped the bag and slowly walked over to Harry’s side, falling into the seat next to him. “But then I came back. Had to talk the nurses into letting me in, took an autograph for her daughter, but here I am.” He flashed his mischievous smile, the one Harry had memorized long ago. It was different though, sadder.

 

“Why did you come back?”

 

Louis looked at him for a long time, eyes fixated on his face. He smiled, still sad, and shrugged. “I don’t want to leave things like this. Between us, I mean. I don’t want the last real conversation we have to be a fight before you got into a car accident.”

 

A lump formed in Harry’s throat. Last real conversation. Louis was saying goodbye. It wasn’t the first time they had done it but it’d usually be during fights or whatever. Louis didn’t seem angry now, instead just tired, like Harry’s existence in his life was wearing him out. Harry thought back to his earlier decision, to get over Louis for both of their sake, and nodded.

 

“I don’t either,” he agreed. “I’m really sorry about all of this.” He waved his hand over the bed in a sweeping gesture.

 

Louis nodded with closed eyes. “I know. You fucking scared me. The thought of you...” He shook his head back and forth quickly like he was trying to clear the thought from his head.

 

“I’m sorry about what I did to you, too. Everything. I really fucked up.”

 

“Yeah, you really fucked up,” Louis agreed with a humorless laugh. The look he was giving Harry had a touch of fondness around the sad edges of it. It made Harry’s heart ache with a nostalgic feeling of what he had given up.

 

“What’s with the bag?” It wasn’t his business but he really wanted to know.

 

Louis shifted in his seat, sitting up a little straighter. “I’m going to the airport, after I leave here. That’s why I came. I wanted to say goodbye.”

 

“Goodbye,” Harry echoed. His throat constricted around the word but he nodded anyway. “Where are you going?”

 

Louis looked even more uncomfortable at that. He started picking at a threat on his jumper sleeve, one that most definitely did not belong to Harry he realized.

 

“I’m going um...” Louis let out a long gust of air then smiled. “I’m going away with Cam, actually. On a vacation. I was supposed to leave three days ago but, you know.”

 

Harry froze. It felt like all the blood had drained from his body. Objectively he knew he shouldn’t be so upset, he knew Louis was dating Cam and boyfriends went on holidays together. But suddenly Harry felt like he was going to be sick or something.

 

“I’m sorry,” Louis apologized lamely. “I shouldn’t have... I’m sorry.”

 

“No,” Harry shook his head. “Don’t. You... deserve to be happy, Louis. I hope he makes you happy.”

 

Louis looked like he wanted to say something to that but he eventually just nodded. “Yeah.”

 

Harry noticed that wasn’t an I am, but he decided not to get caught up on it. “So where are you guys going?” He asked, trying to sound interested.

 

Louis saw straight through him. “We don’t have to do this.”

 

“I love you,” Harry whispered. Louis visibly recoiled at the words. “I know I shouldn’t say this but I really do. I love you, I’ve never stopped.”

 

“Fuck, Liam was right.”

 

“Excuse me?” Harry asked, blinking in confusion.

 

“He told me not to come back because you would only find a way to hurt me. And here you fucking go! You don’t get to tell me you love me, we’ve been down this road already. You don’t get to do this to me!”

 

“It’s the truth,” Harry bit back. “Why can’t I tell you the truth?”

 

“Because it’s not fair and it doesn’t matter!” Louis was standing now, the chair pushed back behind him. “God this is so fucked up. No matter how hard I try to forget you and move on... You keep hurting me.”

 

“God Louis, why did you even come then? If I’m such an asshole and you hate me so much then why did you come see me?”

 

A flash of anger darted across Louis’ face before his expression turned to incredulous pain. “You really don’t get it, do you?” He shook his head and ran a hand through his hair, leaving bits spiked up. “I don’t fucking hate you, Harry. Hating you is not the problem. If I even came close to hating you then my life would be so much fucking easier. The problem is that I love you and I’m always going too!”

 

Harry blinked rapidly at him and Louis scoffed out a laugh.

 

“Christ, don’t look so surprised. Is it really so shocking that I love you? When have I ever tried to hide it? That's why this hurts so much, Harry. That's why I'm here. Because when I thought that you tried to bloody kill yourself after getting off the phone with me, I was a wreck! I've lost you so many times, but that was different. And I thought it was because of me.” His voice was shaky now, his eyes filled with a pool of tears.

 

Harry didn’t know what to say. His head was just a chorus of I love you, I love you, I love you. Louis still loved him and that was enough reason for Harry to keep fighting for him. “I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through, Lou. None of it has been fair to you but you have to believe that I love you, too. I always will, too.”

 

Louis nodded slowly. “I believe that, Harry. But you loving me resulted in you dumping me and then getting a girlfriend and then fucking me and then proposing to her and then calling off your wedding and coming to me with a shitty apology and thinking everything was going to be okay. You loving me is not a relief, it’s terrifying.”

 

“I want to fix things. You really love me?”

 

Louis’ expression was soft. “Of course I do, Harry. When I got the call the next morning that you were in the hospital, do you know where I was?”

 

Harry shook his head.

 

“I was about twenty minutes away from boarding a plane. With my boyfriend. The look on his face when I said I had to leave to see you... I hurt him. But he understood because that’s who he is. Cam is good for me.”

 

“But you still love me.” It was a weak protest but it was all Harry had. Louis loved him and that meant they could still fix this.

 

“I still love you, yes. Just not enough. I don’t love you enough to go through all of this again.”

 

Harry thought he’d actually rather hear that Louis didn’t love him, rather than Louis did but Harry wasn’t worth it. Hearing that hurt more than anything had ever hurt him before.

“I should go.” Louis reached for his bag and gave Harry one last hard look.

 

“Can you just... Can you stay for a little while longer? Then you can say goodbye and never see me again. But for now... Can you just stay here and we not talk? Just be here.”

 

He must have looked pretty pathetic or something because Louis sunk back into his seat and nodded. He reached out over the side of the bed and pulled Harry’s hand into his. The nurse came in eventually and gave Harry another dose of painkillers that were sure to knock him out for the night.

 

He wasn’t sure how long Louis had stayed, but he was just starting to drift off as he got up to leave.

 

"Louis?" Harry murmured weakly, eyes heavy with sleep from the pain killers. "If he hurts you I'll kill him."

 

From his view Harry could see the way Louis' shoulders tensed at the comment. He turned with a wicked grin, shaking his head. "You see the irony in that, don't you?" It came with a humourless chuckle.

 

Harry shrugged, jaw set tightly.

 

"Harry, darling," Louis whispered and there was genuine feelings written all across his face. "There's not a man in the world who could hurt me like you did. So you don't have to worry, love, about anyone else doing that to me. I know better, now."

 

He left before Harry had the chance to answer.

 

*****

 

“Ready to go home?” Gemma asked the next morning, looping her arm through Harry’s.

 

“Louis came here last night,” Harry said without even meaning too. It was all he could think about since, even as he tossed and turned last night with the pills in his system. “He came to say goodbye before he went to the airport to meet his boyfriend.” He hadn’t told his mum or Gemma that Louis was dating someone, he hadn’t told them much lately really. He didn’t know if Louis or the guys had in the waiting room. Probably had because Gemma didn’t looked surprised.

 

“Oh, Harry, I’m sorry.” She wrapped him into a tight hug. It hurt his sore spots, but it felt nice to be hugging her so he didn’t object.

 

“He told me he still loves me but not enough. I love him.” Harry was actually crying now into older sisters shoulder, right in the middle of the hospital but he didn’t care. He’d been pushing people away for so long that he just had to let someone know how miserable he was.

 

“What’s wrong, pet?” His mum demanded when she got into the room and saw them. “Does it still hurt?”

 

“It’s never stopped hurting,” he managed to say through his tears, even though he wasn’t really answering her question properly. “Loving him hurts so much.” Then he was being enveloped into another hug and this one he clung too even harder. “I’m sorry, mum, I’m so sorry. I’ve been awful but I just miss him so much.”

 

“Harry, baby, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

 

Eventually he stopped crying and made his way to his mum’s car, where she had it parked around the back. No one said much on the way back and Harry didn’t even object when he noticed his mum wasn’t taking him back to his place. He was kind of relieved to go back to Holmes Chapel, actually.

 

The radio was on and during the break someone started talking about him. Gemma went to turn it off immediately but he stopped her.

 

“It’s okay,” he promised. “I want to listen.”

His mum and Gemma exchanged a look but neither of them turned it off. Harry curled tighter into the chair and listened to them talk about how he had woken up and his representative assured everyone it was an unfortunate accident, not an attempt on his life. He said basically word for word what Harry had instructed him too.

 

“What do you think, Ryan? We ever going to hear from Harry Styles again? Since he released his album last year he hasn’t attended any award shows or mentioned anything about an upcoming tour. People are really anxious, wondering if this weekends events mean we’ve really heard the last from the lad. Do you think he’s got another album in him? Let us know on the hits line.”

 

She read off a phone number and then a song started up. (Taylor Swift, of course). “What do you guys think? Have I got another album in me?” He teased.

 

“I just want to see you do something that makes you happy, H,” Gemma said while looking at him through the rearview mirror. His mum nodded her agreements.

 

Music had always made him happy, it was the most important thing to him before he met Louis. Did that have to mean his music career ended with him though? Maybe writing again would be exactly what he needed.

 

“Who knows,” he sighed before shifting to get comfortable enough to allow himself to finally get some sleep.

 

*****

 

"So... What do you think?" Harry wasn't usually a nervous person but Ed was a friend who he respected so much musically. Playing his new album for him was a bit make or break. He'd tried something a bit different and he just wanted to hear that he'd made the right choices. The album was all he really had at this point.

 

A grin broke across Ed's cheeks, one that could only be described as proud. "It's bloody fantastic, Harry!" He threw his arms out and pulled him into a tight embrace. "It's so good, you should be very proud."

 

"Doesn't sound rushed?" Harry checked. The album had taken him all of three months, from writing to recording. When he'd told Simon and his label that he wanted to release a new album just after Christmas they had looked at him like he were mad. It wasn't enough time they assured him. Harry was positive he'd be able to do it and he was anxious to be back to the days where he had a tight schedule. Being home and bored left him to get drunk and miss Louis. Since the accident he was trying to not drink as much.

Louis. Harry hadn't spoken to him since they'd left things at the hospital. He thought about him everyday. It was a bit impossible to forget him when every time he looked down at his skin it was inked with all his love. Nights when he couldn't sleep he'd lie in bed rethinking the way Louis had said I love you but not enough.

 

Harry was trying this new thing called "being a better person." He'd always fancied himself as one, it was how his mum had raised him. He didn't know the person he'd become when it came to Louis. His therapist now tells him it sounds like he might have been suffering from a depression, edged on by the stress of the closeting. It didn't sound right to him at first, it wasn't like he couldn't get out of bed and was weepy all of the time. She'd explained that it could come in many forms, though, and his pushing everyone away and losing interest in everything could have been a sign of it. His sudden tendency to turn to alcohol, too.

 

Ed was saying something and Harry realized he wasn't listening when he'd snapped to attention at the sound of Ed's ringtone.

 

“One sec,” Ed instructed with a finger held up as he fished around for his phone. “It’s my manager, the grammy nominations are announced today.”

 

Harry fooled around on his phone as Ed talked to his manager next to him, nodding frequently and smiling brightly. Ed’s latest album had been a massive hit and one of Harry’s absolute favorites of the year. It deserved a long list of awards.

 

“Really?” Ed asked with a puzzled look. “Actually, Harry is here with me now, just one second.” Ed pulled the phone away from his ear. “Louis’ up for song of the year. Say Something.”

 

Harry isn’t altogether that surprised. The song had been huge, played as number one for weeks on the charts. It truly was an amazing song and Louis deserved it. Harry was actually happy for him.

 

“Wow, good for him.” Harry tried not to give too much of how he was feeling away. His heart still ached for Louis constantly. Basically every song he had written on the album was going to be about him, but he was taking a page from Taylor’s book and using his emotions to fuel what he hoped would be a killer album.

 

He was trying to do right by Louis so he broke all contact. They’d always been best friends though and as far as he knew the media hadn’t discovered some huge falling out between them. So he compromised with himself, pulling out his phone and composing a quick tweet. It wasn’t personal enough that it could upset Louis, but he also wanted to be able to tell him how proud he was. Congratulations, mate. Song is sick, you deserve it xx.

 

Less than a minute he received a response. Thanks, Haz!! Ridiculously excited. It was informal and it could have been his PR team trying to create a buzz by the connection to One Direction. Either way the nickname made Harry feel slightly fond and slightly like he wanted to throw up.

 

When he put his phone away Ed was looking at him weird. “You okay? I mean. It’s about you, right?”

 

“I’m okay,” Harry said. It wasn’t a complete lie.

 

*****

 

Suddenly Louis Tomlinson was gay.

 

Of course Harry had always known that. He was the first person Louis had ever told. It was during an awkward, giddy conversation right after they had kissed for the first time. Harry said said he liked kissing girls, but he liked kissing Louis a lot more. Louis had stumbled over his own confession, looking a bit terrified. Eventually though he had gotten the words “guess I’m the only gay one, then” out.

 

It was different, now, though. The entire world knew.

 

He’d come out in a magazine article, which was smart - you could tell everything as you wanted without the worries of live TV, or having everyone analyze your expression and body language. It had been what they’d talked about, before, when this was something they were going to do together.

 

He was out and proud, these days. After the article he did an interview on Ellen and one on Jimmy Fallon. They asked lots of questions and Louis answered they easily with a charming smile. They asked him lots about the Grammy nomination, too.

 

He seemed different, now. Like this huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he was finally able to let parts of himself show. Everyone loved him for it and the support was overwhelming. Of course people made their negative comments, like Harry had always known they would, but he was pleasantly surprised to see he was right. If they had come out everything would have been okay.

 

Harry was happy for him, he was. But he was a bit bitter about it too. All their problems stemmed from being in the closet, and Louis had been so persistent on not coming out. If they had... Harry wonders what would have been different.

 

This was supposed to be them doing this together.

 

Harry couldn't blame Louis entirely, though, because this raises the question why he isn’t out yet. He always held on to his anger at Louis for being ‘ashamed’ about them, but now Harry was alone and sad and still lodged into the closet that he were shutting himself into. There was no management, or Louis, or success of the band to blame for it anymore.

 

The intense closeting that Louis went under during One Direction is not mentioned, nor does anyone bring up Eleanor after he answers once that “she was a great friend, she’s still his best friend now.”

 

Harry watched every interview though, nervously on the edge of his seat for the day that someone would bring up Larry Stylinson. Of course the news spiked the return of the old rumors.

 

When it finally came Harry knew he deserved it. But the words still feel like a knife to his gut.

 

"Now that you're out," the interviewer says with a smile. There was an erupting of cheers in the studio audience and Louis looked genuinely touched at that. His eyes shone with something Harry couldn't quite grasp. "People are reminded of the old rumours that used to surface about you and your bandmate, Harry Styles. Was there any truth to that, after all?"

 

Louis looked thrown for about half a second before he inhaled and composed himself. Had someone not been watching with the intensity that Harry was they probably would never notice.

 

"Gay rumours have followed me around my whole life," was what came out of Louis' mouth. He gave a shrug. "High school, X Factor, One Direction. It always came down to the same rumours. I wish I had of embraced those, used the support to fuel my self confidence but instead I let it tear me down, tried to become something I wasn't so the rumours didn't get out of control. It's one of my biggest regrets, and I want younger kids who may be struggling with the same thing to know that they shouldn't change themselves or hide themselves. Who you are is wonderful." There's an applause and Harry thought it was well fucking deserved. He had hot tears of pride stinging his eyes.

 

"But you asked about Harry, right?" Louis have a coy smile when the cheering died down. "My friendship with Harry was unlike anything else. He was the first person I came out too. He was very supportive of me. I was lucky to have a best friend like him, but that's all it was."

 

And okay - what was Louis supposed to say? He couldn't publicly out Harry on national television but... There was a part of Harry that wished he had. Their relationship had been so much more than that, Harry had been so much more than just Louis' 'best friend' and hearing it reduced to that brought him back to the days where he'd sit in front of an interviewer listening to Louis deny their relationship, or talk about how much he loved Eleanor. After those interviews he would avoid his friends, curl into himself in his hotel room or bunk. Those were some of the darkest moments, for him.

 

But now Louis was out and he wasn't and he had no idea why.

 

He texts Louis and tells him he’s really proud of him, he’s doing amazing things. He doesn’t cry when he gets a “thank you, I appreciate it” back in response. He doesn’t.

 

*****

Louis Tomlinson wins a fucking Grammy.

 

Harry has never been prouder in his life. He deserves it, he really does. But he’s got a sick feeling, watching the way Louis reaches over to hug someone - Cam, Harry thinks. Then they kiss and Harry wants to turn the TV off but he forces himself to watch Louis’ speech.

 

He thanked his family, his friends and everyone he ever worked with. He said a special thanks to the “four people he could never have done this without. Liam, Niall, Harry and Zayn, thank you so much for some of the best years of my life. Being with the four of you, having you there every step of the way, made the experience unbelievable. In a way I wish you could be up here with me, that it was still the 5 of us doing this - but I know that I’ve got life long friends in all of you and I love you all.”

 

Harry idly wondered if his love was the same as the other three boys, or if Louis was still in love with him, but just not enough.

 

He didn’t watch anymore of the show, he’d seen what he’d needed too.

 

*****

The album release finally felt like Harry saying I’m moving on.

 

It was good and what he and Louis both needed. But he was trying not to think about Louis, today. It was supposed to be about him and he was supposed to be happy.

 

Liam, Niall and Zayn had all come to the party. Louis hadn’t been invited.

 

“This sounds so amazing,” Niall grinned as he looped his arm around Harry’s shoulder and cuddled them together. “I love you so much, Harry, you’re my best friend and I’m so-”

 

“Drunk?” Harry cut him off with a teasing smirk.

 

Niall rolled his eyes but stumbled a bit and caused both of them to sway, so he couldn’t exactly deny. “Was gonna say proud, mate. M’really proud of you, yeah?”

 

Harry blinked a couple of times then smiled. “Thank you, Niall. Means a lot.”

 

Liam approached them and Niall managed to tangled him into their embrace. “Harry,” he said weakly. “This sounds amazing.”

 

“Was just telling him that!” Niall whoops loudly and a couple of people look over and laugh at them.

 

Liam gave Niall a funny look then patted him on the head. Turning his attention back to Harry. “What’s the first single, man?”

 

Harry inhaled a long breath then smiled. “Track 6, I think.” It was definitely going to be track 6 - he had already pre-recorded a live version for a talk show in the morning. It would be on the radio tomorrow morning.

 

Liam gave him a sad smile and then pulled their bodies closer together. “I think that’s a really good choice,” is all he says.

 

*****

It was a bit nerve wracking, watching himself on TV singing. He had always found it a bit uncomfortable, seeing himself. It was even weirder, now, with all his emotions being splayed out for everyone. He wondered if anyone would pick up on the message of the song. He kind of figured one person would.

 

That wasn’t why he had written it, though. It had been therapeutic and in the end the results were really great and he couldn’t fathom leaving it off the album.

 

The pre-recorded show had started about half an hour ago. He watched his interview, cringing when they asked about the accident and his drinking and everything that had happened since One Direction had ended. He maintained that he had made mistakes but that wasn’t the person he was and he wanted to move on from them.

He was getting ready to sing the song now.

 

“I _miss those blue eyes, how you kiss me at night, I miss the way we sleep. Like there’s no sunrise, like the taste of your smile, I miss the way we breathe.”_

 

On the camera Harry was sitting on a stool, microphone pressed tightly to his lips. He could remember the swell of emotion that had welled up in his chest, the way his lips had trembled around the words. He meant them so much, felt them with so much meaning. It had been over two years but he still couldn’t get to sleep right, not without Louis.

 

“ _But I never told you what I should have said. No I never told you, I just held it in._ ”

 

Louis had given him that chance again, even after he had fucked it all up. Louis had given him one last chance to say something. He had practically begged for it, opened his arms to let Harry come back to him and -- even though Harry had wanted too, more than anything, he had gotten scared and he didn’t tell Louis what he really wanted. He didn’t even tell himself, either. He convinced himself he should marry someone else.

 

“ _And now I miss everything about you, can’t believe it, I still want you. After all the things we’ve been through... I miss everything about you. Without you... Ohhhhh.”_

 

Their relationship had been put through the test from the very beginning. It was new, neither of them had ever even kissed a boy before. They had the whole world publically scrutinizing them and they were so young that everyone doubted that they could possibly make it. Even after the breakup they had been through so much together, the fighting and making up and Harry’s accident. Sometimes Harry thought it was a bit ridiculous, he shouldn’t still want Louis like this after all this time. But the way he felt never went away, his love for him burned like an itch under his skin that he couldn’t satisfy.

 

“ _I see your blue eyes every time I close mine, you make it hard to see. Where I belong too, when I’m not around you, it’s like I’m not with me._

 

 _“But I never told you what I should have said. No I never told you, I just held it in. Now I miss everything about you, can’t believe it, I still want you. After all the things we’ve been through, I miss everything about you. Without you..._ ”

 

He missed all the little things about Louis. He missed cuddling together and watching telly, all the stupid little remarks Louis’ would make at the characters. Or the way he would yell bloody murder at the footy match. No one could quite make tea like Louis and no matter how hard Harry tried his just never tasted as good. He missed the taste of his mouth and the sounds he would make when Harry laid him down and took him apart.

 

There were so many things he should have said to Louis, but he never told him, and it was too late now. Louis had moved on and Harry had no choice but to accept it. He owed him that much, at least.

 

*****

“What the... fuck?” Harry grumbled groggily as he stretched around his bed, one hand flopping around his night table to find his cellphone so he could silence it. Once he had blinked enough times he was able to see from the neon red numbers that it was 2:41 in the morning.

 

He was going to just press ignore and flick it off to the side somewhere but his heart stopped when he saw the number. Shit. “Hello?”

 

“You fucking _asshole_ ,” Louis slurred at him, clearly drunk. Harry winced around the words and sat up in his bed. “You’re a bloody twat, you know that?”

 

“You’re drunk,” Harry says uselessly.

 

“Yeah,” Louis barks back, it comes out in two syllables. “You’re usually the drunk one, yeah? Harry Styles, always pissed.”

 

“What do you want? Did you call just to talk about my drinking?” Harry snapped back, fisting the sheets around him in annoyance.

 

“No. Called to ye-ll at you, actually. So if you c-could stop interrupting, please.” He said it so matter of factly that Harry had to let out a humorless snort. “I was happy, you know? Maybe not like, completely, but I was really getting there. I was like - forgetting about you, you know? And that was a big deal because it’s taken me like a really really, really, really really long time to do that.”

 

“You’re the one calling me,” Harry pointed out. “You told me to fuck off and stay out of your life so I did. Been doing my best to forget about you, too.”

 

“By writing a bloody fantastic song about me? That’s your idea of ‘fucking off”? Boy have you got it all wrong.”

 

Harry knew he had messed up, had made a lot of bad choices and had hurt Louis because of it but he’d been trying so hard and he really didn’t think he deserved this anymore. “I got everything wrong, Louis, I know. When are you going to stop punishing me for it?”

 

“When it stops hurting!” Louis bit back. His voice wavered a little at the end, not as strong or as confident anymore. “When I can hear your fucking name without getting an ache in my chest, then I will stop punishing you. Until then it’s all I’ve fucking got.”

 

“Why are you calling, Louis?” Harry whispered, close to tears now. “Is it about the song? You saw the show? Is that it? I’m sorry, but I don’t know if you’ve noticed - people write about the shit that’s going on in their lives. You just won a fucking Grammy for a song you wrote about me, a song that hurt me every time I heard it.”

 

“We keep fucking hurting each other, yeah? We’re always sad at each other, it fucking sucks.”

 

Harry had to hum in agreement there. It really fucking sucked how they kept running in circles, two steps forward, a couple hundred back. “I’m sorry. If I could change any of this you know I would, but I can’t. You said the only way I could make it up to you was to give you your space and I have... I’ve been trying to move on because that’s what you asked me to do.”

 

“Why wasn’t I enough for you?”

 

“Wh-” Harry sucked the other half of the word back into his mouth with a deep breath. He pressed his palms into his eye sockets and tried to take calming breaths. “You were.”

 

“No I wasn’t. No I fucking wasn’t. I wasn’t enough for you to wait. I wasn’t worth waiting for.”

 

Harry couldn’t do this. He knew this was all his fault but he was hurting too, everything had been painful for him too and it wasn’t healthy for either of them. He should have just told Louis goodbye but he started speaking, anyway. “I know it’s not an excuse but I was going through a lot, Louis - I was depressed and I was hating myself and it just... It wasn’t you, okay? You were always enough. I always fucking loved you.”

 

“Cam says he loves me,” Louis said instead of an actual answer. Harry didn’t want to hear that shit.

 

“Okay,” he breathed out an echoey reply.

 

“Today was our one year anniversary and I couldn’t stop thinking about that song and what it meant. Like you were finally choosing me after all this time. And then Cam left after dinner because he could tell I was only thinking about you.”

 

Shit, Harry hadn’t wanted anything like that. It doesn’t make him happy, knowing Louis is hurt. “He broke up with you? I didn’t-”

 

“No,” Louis scoffed. He let out an exasperated sigh like Harry was supposed to keep up with his drunk train of thought. “God he didn’t break up with me! He told me to take the time I need to figure things out with you, and that he would be there waiting for me. I’m enough for him, he’ll wait for me Harry! Why wouldn’t you wait for me?”

 

“Louis... you should be with Cam. On your anniversary,” Harry said even though he felt like a knife slicing his throat to say it. “You shouldn’t be on the phone with me.”

 

“Why wouldn’t you wait for me?”

 

“I made a mistake,” Harry fumbled helplessly.

 

“Goodbye, Harry.”

 

“Bye, Lou...” He had already hung up. Harry sat up in his bed, back pressed against his headrest, with his phone held to his ear for what felt like forever, until he finally fell asleep with tears staining his cheeks.

 

*****

“Harry?”

 

He had an avocado in each hand, weighing them out to try and see which one felt better. A friend had given him this weird recipe using them but he had no idea how to pick out a good avocado. He gave up with a huff, tossing them both back into the pile and turned to look over his shoulder and - oh.

 

“Katie... hey.”

 

She was smiling at him, so that was a good sign. She also came closer and forced him into a hug. He sunk into it, wrapping his arms around her small waist and inhaling her familiar scent. There were parts of Harry that wished he really could have loved her like she deserved. But he only had parts of himself to give her and she deserved someone’s full attention.

 

“How are you?” She asked once she’d pulled back. “You look great - glad to see you got a haircut,” she laughed, tugging at the ends of his hair.

 

“I’m uh... I’m okay. How are you?” He didn’t really know what to do about this, he’d only ever had one ex besides her and obviously their encounters had never gone anything like this. The last time he had seen her she’d left his flat in tears after breaking off their wedding. It was... shit was weird.

 

“I’m great! I’ve started seeing someone, actually. Oliver. He’s really great.” Her smile looked genuine and Harry was really glad to hear she was happy. He told her as much and she nodded. “Thanks, me too. Um, how are things with you and Louis?”

 

Harry’s face fell and his gaze drifted back to the differing shades of green avocados. “Oh... Yeah, no. I messed that up, he’s got a boyfriend now. Haven’t spoken to him in about... a month, I guess. And that was just him telling me to fuck off, so.” He scraped the toe of his shoe along the tiled floor, not wanting to meet her eyes.

 

“I’m really sorry, Harry.”

 

“It is what it is,” Harry shrugged with a sad smile. “I’m... I’m really sorry, Katie. About everything I did. It wasn’t fair but - hurting you was never intentional, you know?”

  


“Of course. You haven’t got a mean bone in your body, Harry. I know you’d never try to hurt anyone you just... you made some mistakes. I miss you sometimes, you know? We had fun together.”

 

“Yeah, we did. Me too.”

 

“Just don’t think we were ever really meant for each other, but that’s okay. We had fun,” she repeated.

 

He nodded but didn’t know what else to say. So instead he blurted “you don’t know how to tell if an avocado is ripe by any chance?”

 

She looked confused for half a second then her face smoothed out into an amused smirk. “Yeah, actually I do. Here, let me help you.”

 

*****

“That’s really great, Harry,” his mum said into the phone after he had recounted his meeting with Katie in the grocery store earlier in the day. “I’m glad she’s seeing someone and happy.”

 

“Yeah,” Harry agreed as he stirred the mashed up avocado. It didn’t look very appetizing - maybe he was doing something wrong? “Me too. Makes me feel a lot better, really regretted how things ended with us.”

 

“She was a very sweet girl, but I could tell you weren’t right for her. It’s good you were able to see that and now you both can find someone who is. Maybe she already has.”

 

Maybe I already had, Harry thought but didn’t say. “Yeah, maybe.”

 

“Well I’ve got to go - taking Gemma to her pre-natal check up. You’re coming up for the shower, right?”

 

“Course I am,” Harry scoffed, mock offended. As if he were going to miss his little niece’s baby shower. “Going to spoil the little princess rotten. Send me a pic of Gem’s stomach, she says it’s too big and gross and refuses too.”

 

“I will. Love you, Harry.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, love you too, mum. Now go before Gemma ends up giving birth.”

 

His mom laughed but did as he said. Once he had hung up the phone he looked back to his mixture and tried to remember what the picture of what he was making was supposed to look like. The mixture really didn’t smell very good. He had to have messed up a step somewhere along the lines.

 

He was just debating tossing the thing when the intercom to his front door buzzed. He went over and switched on the camera. He had to blink at the image a few times, sure his eyes were betraying him. But sure enough Louis was sitting in his car, waiting outside the gate of Harry’s home.

 

“You’re buzzed through,” Harry managed to say through his constricting throat. Louis nodded into the camera and drove forward when the gate parted ways.

 

He knew it would take a couple of minutes for Louis to park and get up the stairs but he was so jittery that he didn’t know what to do but stand at the front door and wait helplessly for him. That or go throw up somewhere.

 

“Hey,” Louis said with a small smile when Harry opened the door and stepped aside to let him in.

 

“Hey,” Harry echoed back, eyes glued to Louis as he toed off his shoes and removed his coat. He knew his eyes were wide and he probably looked petrified, which Louis must have picked up on.

 

He frowned, shifting awkwardly. “If this is... If you want me to go, say so and I will. It’s your call.”

 

Harry swallowed hard but shook his head quickly. “No... no, it’s okay. Hi.”

 

“Hi,” Louis whispered back. His face melted into a fond smile, soft around all of the edges. “I thought maybe we could talk?”

 

“I... yeah. Of course. It’s nice out, want to sit on the deck?”

 

“Sure. Nice place you got here,” Louis commented as he followed Harry’s lead through the kitchen and to the back door.

 

“It’s okay,” Harry responded, slipping outside and into the sunshine. “Want a beer or something?”

 

“Just a water, maybe,” Louis nodded towards the rows of bottled water in his cooler. “And okay? This place is beautiful... look at the view.”

 

“It’s a nice place it’s just... It’s a bit much, for just me. Gets lonely.” He didn’t know why he said that, he didn’t want to make things awkward but all he could think about was their first flat and how wonderful that place had felt. He handed Louis the bottle and motioned for him to sit down. “So... what did you want to talk about?” He couldn’t handle the small talk with Louis, they had never been like this.

 

“Right to it,” Louis laughed a bit nervously, his fingers rotating over the cap of his bottle without ever taking it off. “Well, I guess I should firstly apologize for that phone call. I had a lot to drink but that’s not an excuse so... I should have called you sooner and apologized but.”

 

Harry nodded slowly, looking out over the deck at the garden that swept across his yard. “It’s okay. I get it.” He didn’t think Louis came all this way just to say that, though.

 

Louis wasn’t saying anything else, though, so Harry figured it was left up to him. “How, um... how are things with Cam?”

 

Louis winced. “Broke up with him the day after we last spoke. Didn’t feel right, leading him on when I could never really give him all of me. Wasn’t easy but... he deserved better.”

 

Harry bit the inside of his lip, teeth digging in so hard he broke the skin and tasted blood. He didn’t say anything, just nodded tightly.

 

“It took me a while, I didn’t want to do this until I thought about it and knew I’d had time to change my mind. But... I think I’m ready to say this... I love you, Harry. You hurt me but - I know you love me, too - or at least I hope you do and I think... I’m ready to move on from the past and see if we can... if we can stop hurting each other and maybe get back to what we had.”

 

Harry wanted to cry from relief. He felt like he had been holding his breath since Louis walked through the door, grasping to the tiny sliver of hope that that’s why Louis had come and now... He just didn’t know what to do with it.

 

“I mean if you’ve... If you’ve moved on that’s more than fair. Say the word and I will go. I understand.”

 

“No,” Harry gushed quickly. He winced a little at how desperate he sounded but at this point he didn’t care he just wanted Louis again. “I mean, god, no I haven’t. I love you, too. I want that more than anything. A fresh start.”

 

Louis smiled at that and nodded thoughtfully. “I think we should... start slow. So much has happened, you know? We almost need a fresh start. So... I was thinking maybe we could go on a proper date. In public, no worries of cameras catching us. Just us, for real.”

 

“That sounds...perfect,” Harry breathed.

 

“It may get hard sometimes. But. I’m willing to work at this, to give it my all, if you are.”

 

“Yes, Louis. I promise. I wont... I want this, I want you more than anything. I won’t screw it up this time.”

 

Louis nodded, looking pleased. “Slow, Harry,” he teased.

 

“Does slow mean I can’t kiss you?” Harry asked innocently, batting his eyelashes.

 

Louis snorted out a laugh. “Fuck no, you better.”

 

Harry leaned across the table and did just that, slow and gentle. Louis still tasted soft and sweet against his own lips, familiar. He tasted like home.

**Author's Note:**

> There's going to be a smaller third part to this series, as well :)


End file.
